A Cheat Sheet to Getting a Sociopath in the Sack.

I spent my 20’s not getting laid like I wanted due to body dysmorphia, and it kept me from actual orgasms.

Stuck in my own head, I forgot to get around to figuring out what turns me on, what I don’t like, and how to be comfortable expressing these things. To be blunt: just want a lot of safe sex!

My favorite relationship, or the one that works best for me is the “funny bro who let’s me crash at his place with the mutual understanding that we want nothing more emotionally from each other besides the trembling orgasms” relationship. You’re gonna say that relationship doesn’t exist, but believe me when I say that they’re out there. I’m not in that kind of relationship now, but boy did I under appreciate it, and man do I miss it.

I’m not in a non-commitment relationship at the moment, so my vagina has to grab like it’s going in for hibernation every time I have sex at the moment. But one of my sex plugs said something interesting to me the other night in response to of my usual “hey wanna have sex?” greetings (I think they’re charming greetings). He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll hit you up when I’m ready for sex”. Okaaay, I guess that’s alright. It’s not like he was being an asshole about it. I could tell by his tone that he wasn’t intentionally being misogynistic, just harmless ignorance; but what if I’m ready for sex right now?

I asked around my network of sex connects, and every time my face met the door slamming shut at my nose. One response made me feel kind of bad, “You’re not interested in what I have to say at all. You’re just here for my body!”. Instead of a door meeting my face that time, it was a mirror, showing me that I too can be a dog.


My options are limited at the moment, so thank god for my Lelo. But even insane squirting orgasms are boring when there isn’t a warm body to accompany them. Maybe I should dig up the dead like in NEKRomantik...

To round things back to my original point, I want a lot of safe sex in my 20’s. I think that’s do-able.  I’m also kind of a sociopath, and while I have my set ideas on what I want without taking the opposite sex into consideration, I have soooo many things that I find disturbing and they turn me off. I’ll put it in “every friend I have” terms: I’m very picky. 

And why shouldn’t I be? Why shouldn’t anyone have a set standard that they find appropriate? If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything, am I right? Could I possibly be a bit pretentious when it comes to my vagina? Absolutely, and fuck you!

So what do I want? I’m the Classiest Nerd, man. That means that I’m complex and I can’t give you a straight answer. So I made a list! I can’t promise that I’ve compiled a list unlocking the secret to having sex with me, but it gives you an idea of what eccentric chicks who like occasionally practicing Brujeria on the weekends might find fuck-worthy. Here’s a cheatsheet to the current idea of my perfect relationship:

  • Let me crash there on the weekends. Traffic sucks, man.
  • I don’t mind the couch. But I need at least one night of snuggling.
  • Please wake me up in the middle of the night for sex.
  • Please wake me up in the middle of the night for sex.
  • I really like those last two.
  • DON’T use terms like “Netflix and Chill”. I just want to use your kitchen, your bed, and your penis.
  • DO ask “Title of Movie” and sex?
  • Must be Wyatt Family member sized. tenor-202799922.gif
  • DO ask, “Want to cook something from scratch, eat it, and then have sex?” (If it’s a dish with no dairy, I will throw in an extra 40%. What a deal!).
  • Always remember to be cool. At the end of the day we’re friends; and if for any reason the relationship gets boring, it’s also okay to let me know so that we can come up with the best opt-out option together. It’s easier than it reads, not everyone gets it though.

Notice that I left Sending Nudes out. Sending or asking for nudes doesn’t mean I want to fuck you. I just want everyone to be comfortable with themselves. Maybe I would’ve had better sex in my early 20’s if we all weren’t so uptight about sending nudes and making each other feel comfortable. There’s a thought…but don’t think, go find someone who fits my list and send them to me.


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