As always, Iʻll be honest. I canʻt afford anything other than doctor and treatment bills right now. Because as melodramatic as it sounds, Iʻm sick and need to be treated just to go outside and be Manda again. Iʻm so ill from years of cognitive neglect that Iʻm not cleared to do a simple thing like go to work. I could never figure out why my spending habits were so out of control; why all my paychecks would just cover overdraft fees, maxing out all my credit cards to cover myself poorly, blowing all my money on alcohol to hide and drink alone, giving money away to friends knowing that I didnʻt have it, but I just wanted to be a good person an try to help.
We were all unaware that these were characteristics of bipolar disorder, so the depression would take over and just tell me Iʻm stupid and worthless, and others would yell at me for being “stupid” or scolded for being “careless”. And that my illness is accelerated by another misdiagnosed ADHD, I mean it when I tell my loved ones to watch me closely or put me on some kind of leash. Because Iʻll be gone blowing money I donʻt have before anyone even realized I left the room.
We simply just didnʻt know. Not everyone living the majority of their life with two misdiagnosed illness and such distorted cognition can figure things out so easily, or see them clearly. I really want this house I plan on buying alone in my five year plan. The financial services Iʻve been working with say that it is doable which is a huge relief. I just have to put in the serious work as far as controlling the impulse. Itʻs frustrating; I hate that I canʻt afford small luxuries, I hate that I worked on my first movie this year and I canʻt afford to buy a copy. I hate my closet. Nothing in my life externally reflects the hard work and passion to be the woman I feel I shouldʻve been a long time ago.
I have my goals, and each day I set to do at least one thing to get a little closer. I came across this article from bpHope.com that I included at the very beginning of this post to share for anyone struggling, or if you know a loved one doing the same. There are always options; there are always solutions depending on how you look at it. Most importantly, help is out there. The only thing about help is that itʻs a fight, and like The Bouncing Souls Say, you have to “Fight to Live”.