30 Days of Anxiety: Day 2

So I found an interesting daily prompt (provided by SimplyStepping.com) to keep me on track. Today I’m to talk about what’s going well in my life. I managed to get up this morning; the weight of depression didn’t crush me. I saw my therapist and psychiatrist today, both sessions ending with a positive outlook on things. For someone who at one point filled her doctors with looks of serious concern, it was relieving to see hopeful smiles today.

I can start practicing to drive a car again. I wasn’t supposed to be driving on my new medication, my dad is supposed acting chauffeur and nurse by distributing my medicine. My dad drives me when he can, but I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t supposed to be driving completely! I’ve been anxiously putting miles on the road, taking the long way home on my own, but I guess I’ll stick to my super safe driving when I’m behind the wheel.

I’m to return to work Friday morning, only half days for the first week while I get used to the swing of things again. I take baby steps every day to get back to me; I have a bullet journal, my third, that I keep with me religiously. The heavy weight of depression however has kept us separated for a week, which can be detrimental because I can become very lost without having a guide to help me think; my cognition is that distorted. My baby step today was to just write something – anything – in my Erotic Friend Fiction books. In my second book, I made a chart for my five year plan…that I never filled out. The sadness kept me from seeing a future, so the energy was never brought forward.

My second out of three bullet journals. This particular Erotic Friend Fiction held my chart for a five year plan that desperately needed to be visualized.
Today was the day I would locate my five year plan list through a long table of contents, to say that I made plans for a future.

I dug up my second book to find that chart, and I wrote in my journal today. I filled out my practical goals for my five year plan that has been in my head for the longest; you can see below:

My practical five year plan.

1.) Be 140lbs: Last time I checked my weight was at 187lbs. Iʻm sure over the month it has gone back up due to a crippling depression and not being able to afford my gym membership this month. To avoid added stress of a specific weigh-in date (because a weight loss lifestyle change takes a lot of time), Iʻm doing things one step at a time right now. My life needs to be back on track before I can put everything into losing the weight. It will be done though, itʻs been done before and I can visualize it being done again.

2.) Buy a house: I, like many people still live with my parents, and they donʻt want me to leave. But I donʻt want to continue blowing money under their roof. Living at home is a great opportunity for me to save as much money as I can for the house I always wanted. I wonʻt waste money on renting apartments. Getting on a mentally healthy track will help me with my debt so that I can focus on my real goal.

3.) Be debt free: I canʻt start gaining any true momentum until I know Iʻm on a path to being debt free. Being manageable enough to go back to work is a step toward getting overdue bills paid and debt taken care of.

4.) Host a successful movie screening: I have always wanted to host my own movie screening in my area. I love the screenings that my friends put on, but I hate the traffic involved in the long drives to Miami. Gas-wise, I havenʻt been able to afford the screenings in Lake Worth either, which is about an hour away from me. I know there must be people in my area who want film events to be closer, and I want to be that person. When I can afford movie rights and venue rentals, I will be that person who screens for her community.

5.) Overcome mental illness and stand on my own two feet: None of my goals can be done until I get my shit together. Iʻve been successful before, Iʻve beaten misdiagnosed mental illness and Iʻve been completely stable. Iʻm a little older and wiser now, even though Iʻm cognitively impaired, but Iʻm aware of what needs to be done. I miss every friend that I drove away and I want to show them that I can be okay on my own for good. It can be done, and it will be done.

My goals are in no particular order, but they’re visual now. It was my simple baby step that needed to be accomplished and it was. I now have a plan to march up the dark mountain.

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