30 Days of Anxiety: Day 8

Today I’m supposed to focus on two negative thoughts that I don’t want anymore, and what I can do to let them go. This one is a hard one, because sometimes it feels like my mind is nothing but a library of negative thoughts by category.

The two that come to mind are thinking that I’m fat all the time and being depressed over it, and feeling so alone. If I could be free of the self torture and just be strong and healthy, I’d feel free of a tiring weight on my shoulders.

Negative Thought #1: I’m fat. I know we live in this new era of society where we can openly celebrate our body positivity and I think that’s beautiful. I’m not there yet, I’m not at my standard of where I think I should be. I’m far from my goal, and because I didn’t go to the gym today, I feel even further away. I emotionally eat out of boredom since I’m basically sentenced to my house until I can go back to work. I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror because I’m so overweight. This is truly depressing.

I’m supposed to be letting the negative thoughts go. Such a thing is hard to do when the positive counter is supposed to be the gym, and I couldn’t make it up the steps to enter today. I was there, I just couldn’t get inside. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe my body was exhausted from yesterday, maybe it was depression. Either way I’ve felt very disappointed in myself all day. I couldn’t do 30 simple minutes of cardio. I’m being too hard on myself. Most people take a day off in between cardio sessions, very few people do cardio every single day. There is always tomorrow, where I’ll be more rested and recovered. I can always work up to cardio every day, start off small with every other day; that’s a realistic goal.

I will not be this size forever, but I can’t let the sadness from it distract me. Now I hope I can take that momentum into my second negative thought.

Negative Thought #2: I have no one. I’m all alone with no one to really talk to. Even if I want it to be a pleasant nerdy conversation about something, I keep it to myself because no one has the time for me. I wish I had better friends, but I guess I’m not exactly a quality person to draw better friends yet. This is a cognitive distortion that I still need professional help sorting out. I don’t have the answer to letting this thought go other than to get help. I’m still in the foundation stage of therapy, we’re just diagnosing me and dealing with getting the right medications to regulate me. The social work where I integrate back into society hasn’t started yet, but it will soon.

I have so much anxiety over friendships now; I have anxiety about maintaining the estranged relationships that I have lingering. Un-replied text messages dampen my heavy heart, unread messages do the same and for right now my days consist of a downpour of sorrow. All I can do is try to remain calm because I could possibly be thinking irrationally, and wait until therapy continues after the new year.

I don’t want these two concepts to compile anyone’s perception of me. They have in the past, driving any promising friendship far away. I know there will come a day when I’ll be rid of these thoughts, right now the storm is just very windy and cold. Tomorrow I’ll try again to be better.

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