30 Days of Anxiety: Day 9

It’s only been nine days of writing. It feels like a month, but I’m not long-term conditioned for anything. You’d know that if you saw how easily I get winded from just walking. Today I’m supposed to focus on rest:

“I sleep 11 hours a night. I can go back to work to rest better.”

There’s a difference between sleeping and resting. I’m in a constant state of unrest most of the time, I take medication to subdue that and get me to calmly sleep. I don’t rest, or feel anxious rather because I feel like I can’t do anything. I can’t pay my overdue bills, I can’t drive at night because I have to get my headlights fixed. On top of one auto problem, it’s time to get my brakes done and I don’t have the money for that. I don’t have disposable income coming in to be financially stable, that’s unnerving.

The only way to fix that is by going back to work. I’m still not cleared, and I won’t be able to get another doctor’s note until next week. So another week of having nothing to call my own, another week of staying inside because of that. I hate that technically I’m not cleared to integrate into society; it’s kind of embarrassing.

There’s nothing I can do except wait to be cleared and welcomed back to work. It’s just so damn frustrating, and depressing. I can’t wait until all of this is behind me and I can say that I walked up the dark mountain. I walked, well stepped up the mountain some more at the gym today (yeah I mustered up the strength to go back). 30 minutes of HIIT on the elliptical again, looking forward to when I’ll be lifting weights and doing cardio again.

I’m glad I’m finally sleeping, but I want to be able to lie my head down and genuinely rest. I hope that day comes soon, I know I have at least another week to get through before that happens, before I feel some sort of independence and control. There’s going to be a day where I have both, sleep and rest. When that day comes, I’ll be more than ready. I’ll be graciously welcomed to it.

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