I stopped writing about my days of anxiety; I got depressed. The redundancy of long dragging days waiting to go back to work trapped me. Pretty soon I was consumed by a huge dark cloud of anxiety and sadness. I couldn’t do anything, including writing over and over about how depressed I was. So I stopped writing temporarily until I went back to work.
I’m working again. I’ve even made a little bit of money, but not enough to start paying off my debts. Working has given me some sense of purpose, although I’m struggling with an identity crisis. Who am I post psychotic meltdown and diagnosis? That will be the journey that I start on now. Therapy will have to help with that.
I still can’t afford to get my headlights on my car fixed, so my social life is beyond negative. I’m restless trying to figure out what to do with myself with no friends around to see or talk to. It has become extremely lonely which contributes to the sadness. I just miss my loved ones to where it physically hurts.
Remembering my mantra of baby steps, getting the car fixed is a small step towards socializing again. I can get my car fixed if I work long enough to afford it, and I’m back at work so I’ve started somewhere. I can’t guarantee that every day will be smooth, I have no control over that. I do have control over the daily vitamin packs I could finally afford to help my body work with my medication. In other words, a step towards a healthier me. Things are moving forward very slowly, but at the end of the day they’re moving forward.